Since my first ever post in January a lot of people continue to follow my ‘story’, if you could call it that. I want to update you as much as I can with what’s happening in my little world at the moment. My advice would be to grab yourself a drink, sit in a relatively comfortable position and stick with me cause’ this is going to be a long one. I wont lie to you, it isn’t going to be too cheery because right now I’m not cheery but I’m hoping what I write today will leave some people feeling a little less alone or someone will be able to relate to what I’m going through, who knows?!
As you all know my physical AND mental health aren’t exactly 100%… I’m still dealing with a lot of problems with my stomach and insides (so many people request posts about what is actually wrong with me so that is coming soon) but I am also dealing with a lot, and I mean a lot, of issues mentally. I few posts ago I told you all that I’m agoraphobic and am struggling to get out much. That, along with my depression and anxiety, isn’t proving to be easy to battle. I’m trying to get out the house as much as my body will allow me however with my physical illness, the constant nausea and fatigue don’t encourage me to get out and about!
I spend 90% of my time alone. When I wake up in the morning I am on my own until people get back from work/school. Usually my family have been working super hard and they’re too tired to sit and indulge in conversation, which I completely understand, so time with my family usually gets pushed to the weekend. I walk my dog on the weekdays, this gives me an hour or so out of the house getting some fresh air… Walking is good for anxiety and clearing the mind, I always stick to the fields near my house so I don’t panic so much when I have to leave for the walk.
Some of you may be thinking ‘why don’t you see your friends‘. Well, being the way I am, I’m not comfortable going out and doing things like going to the pub or going on nights out… which obviously everyone my age enjoys doing and as for other things like just going on days out I’ll be honest, I’m never invited. My friends, as they know, are always welcome round my house… They don’t even need to ask. Over the years I’ve been very giving as a friend and nothing was ever too much, I was always very laid back about the use of my car and would always give lifts, pick people up, my friends who didn’t drive never had to worry because I’d always come to them. Unfortunately, now I don’t always feel up to drive, I don’t actually see said friends. After some time of being ill I realised a lot of my older friends who I spent so much time with don’t actually care too much.. I see people spending all their money on nights out and alcohol and food and cute trips together but it seems no one can spare the little money a taxi would cost to come and see me. I tend not to dwell on the people like this, I do have a handful of the best friends I could ever wish for and in my mind THEY are the only ones who are important. The reality of my life is really that I am forgotten about a lot, which is fine, when I am better I wont be wasting my time on the people who didn’t have any time for me! Everyone has different priorities and if getting drunk & partying are above checking in on the friends that need you most then you’re not really my type of person anyway!
Along the way I have lost a few friends, people who didn’t really understand what was going on or just didn’t understand mental illness / invisible illness. That’s also ok. I don’t expect anyone to understand straight away, I’m always willing to explain in a way maybe they will be able to grasp it… if they don’t have the time or aren’t interested, I’m not here to force people into staying.
Although being lonely every day may seem all bad, there is some good. I have learnt so much about myself this past year. I’ve learnt about what makes me truly happy, what makes me sad, how far I can push myself before breaking… The list goes on. When you spend so much time alone, the only person you have is yourself. I may not be self confident every day and you guys know, I always doubt myself, but I am the strongest person I know. I have had to deal with things others couldn’t even dream of. I have had one of the hardest most unfair starts in life but I have always fought my way through. I’m still here today and although I am damaged, I know myself well enough to say I know I’ll make it through this rough patch. It could last a few more months or another 5 years, I’ll continue to learn, grow and battle through the worst times.
My attempts to help my anxiety and depression are growing. I’m exercising more than ever and I’ve even taken up yoga (in my own home of course). The yoga is wonderful, you get so in touch with your body and I love pushing myself and seeing how much I can do. It’s extremely relaxing and helps me clear my mind. I’m actually pretty flexible as I do have quite a few years of dance behind me. God knows I hated my teachers pushing my leg to my head but I’m thanking them now! Don’t get me wrong, yoga isn’t the complete answer to feeling anxious and depressed however it REALLY does help me.
Moving on to something else that is helping me out. THIS! My wonderful blog, something I am so proud of. I have no shame in admitting I am the proudest I have ever been of myself. Everything with my blog happened so quickly, my first ever post went viral world wide, so many of you share a passion for mental health and I love everyone who gets involved with the posts. You guys really do keep me going, on here and on social media. I have really met some incredible people in the last 6 months through the internet, people who genuinely care and are interested in me and of course, I feel the same way about them. There are so many of us in this little community we have here that feel the same way about life sometimes and everyone is so supportive towards each other, you warm my heart! All I want to do is help people and knowing that I am succeeding with that brings me SO much joy. Whether you are new here and this is your first post or you’ve been with me from the beginning and continue to give support I APPRECIATE YOU!
I am having to progress in life with baby steps but as long as I am moving, who cares?! Fall down 7 times and get up 8, show the world you’re ready for whatever shit it throws at you. I’m telling you, life can be hard. I’m 21 years old and have had so much crap thrown at me some people don’t believe I’m so young. Whoever you are, whatever is going on in your life, I want you to know that you CAN get through it, you can do it with support but hell honey, you’re strong enough to handle it on your own. Love yourself, worship yourself, take care of your mind and body because YOU ARE WORTH IT.
I love you all, lots and lots. I’m back again on sunday with another review! I’ll see you all there.. Make sure to spread the love over on my instagram and twitter, we’re always having a good time over there! Kisses!
Twitter & Snapchat: @abbienicolex