I’ve wanted to do this for so long but so many people have a hard time understanding mental illness that I thought it wasn’t a good idea. Then I thought ‘fuck it’.
I want to come clean. I want people to know what it’s really like suffering with anxiety and depression without social media making it glamorous. I also hope that this will in some way let people know the reason I am the way I am.
In the last year my anxiety and depression has taken over my life and ruined it. I couldn’t take control of it at all. Just so you have a mild understanding, here’s briefly what went on:
When I was 15 years old I remember going to a doctor and being told I suffered from General anxiety disorder and clinical depression.. 3 years later at the age of 18 I was told I also had social anxiety disorder. In that same year I became really ill with a lot of physical health issues that I won’t get into. Slowly the stress of being too ill to work and not being able to go out and see my friends got too much. After I turned 19 I had to make the decision to withdraw my application from university, this broke my heart. In a year I’d managed to lose everything that made me happy and gave me something to look forward to. I lost jobs, the opportunity to go and study what I love and most importantly friends.
In the middle of all the drama I was stuck on anti-depressants, in therapy twice a week and had to see a doctor at least once a month. The media seem to have a huge thing about ‘hope’ and ‘seeing the light in the dark’… In my situation there was none of that and I know so many other people are the same. Just after my 20th birthday I had what my doctor called a ‘nervous breakdown’. I’m now 5 months away from turning 21 and still recovering from that.
How it actually felt? Tumblr may have a couple of pretty quotes for you on top of black and white pictures. Facebook may have made you share something you didn’t actually understand? But I can assure you it’s nothing like what you read on there.
To start off with, I felt like I had no support. Which is a load of bull, I have the best support I could wish for. Close friends, family members, therapists, doctors you name it I have it.. That doesn’t stop me from feeling completely alone. ‘But Abbie you smile all the time you’re always happy’.. People with depression are the MASTER of disguises.. When I feel anxious I tend to over compensate in ways like being over friendly and being very smiley. Whenever I leave the house I feel nauseous, I always feel like something bad is going to happen. I shake all the time because I’m always nervous. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, I never feel like I’m good enough. I can’t tell you the amount of times a day I can burst into tears about nothing. Overthinking, that’s a killer. I’ll be up till about 4am thinking about something stupid I said to someone 8 months ago.. I know it doesn’t matter, but in my mind it does.
I am mentally and physically exhausted, drained, lifeless, sad, down. I have no energy, I never want to go out and do anything. I never go out and do nice things any more or see my friends. I want to sit in bed all day, but when I do that I get depressed because I want to be outside doing something productive. It’s honestly like fighting yourself every damn day. You want one thing but you want the complete opposite at the same time.
I don’t want any attention. I just want people to know what it’s actually like.. why their friend doesn’t want to go out or hasn’t talked to them in a while. I want mental illness to stop being fashionable and start being shown as the disgusting horrible mess it is! I want anyone going through it to know they aren’t alone and people can understand.
I wanted to share my side of the story because I never want anyone to feel like I have. Even if I can only help one person know it’s not just them, I’m happy with that.